There was once a time I looked up to you, I imagine it’s because I didn’t know any better but I hope it’s because at one point you did care about your kids. Up until I was nine I thought you were the cool parent. Actually you were the parent I went to for everything because you constantly put my dad down in front of me which in turn made me scared of him. That all changed when you weren’t there and he was. I remember it clearly. I hurt my wrist so bad that I ended up in tears and ran home. You put some ice on it, told me it was fine, and sent me back out to play. Did you really think it was fine or was it because you had been drinking so much you realized you couldn’t drive me to the hospital?
That one night isn’t why I despise you though, it’s actually only the turning point. Parents are suppose to shield their child from hurt and all the horrible things in the world but instead you were the one to teach me that people can be cruel. You are SUCH a toxic person. I really don’t know if it’s the alcohol you drink, the person that you are, or a combination of both.
You have a warped sense of reality. I have actually never met someone as delusional as you; it’s quite impressive, actually. You have the ability to make yourself the victim or the Saint in any situation. I have never had to worry about defending my character because honestly that’s the only thing you ever did teach me. You constantly dragged my name through the mud. I was constantly called spoiled, a bitch, and ungrateful by your friends. I actually felt sick going to your friends’ houses because I could only imagine the things you had said I had done. I still wonder if they ever realized I wasn’t a bad kid or if they still believe your dellusions.
It wasn’t okay when you drove home so drunk while my little brother and I were in the car that he cried on my shoulder that we were going to die or that your friend slapped me in the face for trying to get your cellphone for dad to come pick us up. You were the parent! You were suppose to know not to get behind the wheel! It wasn’t okay that time a boy YOU left in charge to babysit me while you went out to drink with a friend almost raped me. It defintely wasn’t okay that when I told you about it you took his side or that you invited him to every single one of my birthday parties after.
When I was tweleve you moved out and I cried my eyes out that first night you left not because I was worried about my future without you but because I worried about yours. I always knew I would be better off without you. I begged Dad constantly to make you leave. So why did I cry? It’s because I was constantly told you should love your family no matter what especially your mom. I realized while I had my whole life ahead and it would get better, what about yours? If you were that wild when you had a family to come home to, could it get worse when you were living the single life? Of course it could and it did.
For years after you moved out I stood around as you berated me. I let you make me out to be a monster. I let you tell me how much more you loved your friend’s kids and even destroy my friendship with my best friend because you constantly told me how much better she was than me.
Growing up I didn’t want kids. It was always in the back of my head that it was in my genes to be an awful mother. I realize I was so wrong about that. I don’t know if you know but I got a cat. Whenever a fire alarm goes off I refuse to leave my apartment until I get him out from under the bed. Even though he is one of the meanest cats I’ve ever met, I feel personally offended when people don’t like him. I will be a great mother because I learned everything not to do from you.
I don’t know how after all you’ve put me through it’s a mystery to you why I finally cut you off. I had enough and I didn’t need your toxicity in my life. I don’t think you know how many times people say, “yeah but it’s still your mom…” BUT I’ve learned to let that go. So no, I do not want to sit down and talk. You do not deserve my forgiveness nor do I think you’ll ever change enough to be forgiven. I am an adult now. I’ve grown up! I don’t need you to raise me! I was raised by an amazing man without your help, if anything you only made things harder. You were continuously a problem in my childhood and I will not be stupid enough to let you be one in my future.
Thanks for reading guys! I know this maybe one of the most personable post I have ever and maybe ever will write but I need people to know its okay not to keep toxic people in your life. I actually try to hide the fact that I don’t talk to my mom because of the stigma that comes along with it. People who have only recieved love from their mothers tell me how awful I am. No, I’m not awful. I just realized I had way too much potential to ALWAYS be put down or made to be a monster. If you are in a situation with a toxic parent (or really any person) CUT THEM OUT. You can’t let your future be dictated by someone like that! It affects your self image and self worth! Yes, you’ll cry at first. You will question whether or not it was the right thing to do BUT you will survive it.